


Are Good Intentions All You Had?

by KayDiggsWriting



Series: What Happens In France... [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Eliza centric, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Flashbacks, Hamgelica, Hamliza, Heavy Angst, I can't believe I'm still bad at tagging, Love Triangles, Minor Romance, Past Relationship(s), Sadness, Strained Relationships, Unresolved Tension, what happens in france
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-04-30 09:39:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayDiggsWriting/pseuds/KayDiggsWriting
Summary: When Elizabeth Schuyler should have seen this coming from the beginning. Things were going too well. She was too happy. She should have known life would sweep in just to fuck everything up. She should have ... known.(This chapter is move of Eliza's point of view. But still read it because it's fucking awesome)





	Are Good Intentions All You Had?

**Author's Note:**

> So I just want to make a few things clear before you read this  
> 1.This is going to have more Eliza/Alexander because it's from her point of view.  
> 2\. I'm still Angelica/Eliza as fuck but I feel like Eliza deserved to have a voice before i get deeper into that ship because HELLO she's the one getting her heart broken.  
> 3\. i LOVE writing sad shit because I'm a sad bitch.  
> 4.Sorry I took so long.  
> And then the usual pre-apology for the spelling and grammar errors you'll probably have to endure. I wrote this slowly but proof read very quickly.

_Elizabeth Schuyler hated the spotlight. Thankfully being the middle sister allowed her to avoid it._

  
_Angelica, being the eldest, was the most well known of Philip's 'golden girls'. Everyone who was anyone in New York City knew Angelica Schuyler. And those who didn't, wanted to. Nothing but positive words were whispered about her when she wasn't in the room. Funny. Stunning. Personable. Voyager. Genius. An all around people's person. Her oldest sister radiated a sort of magnetic energy. Their father would joke about how Angie was a vacuum. Able to suck people is with the simplicity of the flick of a switch. And once a crowd was attracted, they weren't disappointed. Angelica was full of witty jokes, interesting stories and a flirty persona that had broken the heart of more than a few men. She owned a room the moment she walked into it. Even the walls would lean into listen to what that woman had to say._

  
_Peggy, being the youngest, didn't draw a crowd the same way their older sister did. Her energy was completely different. While Angelica's mere presence commanded attention, Peggy's demanded it. She was the poster child for a rich upbringing. Their youngest sister was a pretty fashionista with an air of entitlement that could fill a stadium. She wasn't as funny and flirty as she was sassy and untouchable. For some reason Eliza could never fathom, that 'i'm better than you' attitude drew people in almost as much as Angelica's friendlier one. People wanted to prove themselves to Peggy. Women wanted to show her that they were good enough to be her friend. Men wanted to prove themselves worthy of her affections. Peggy's privilege made those around her gain a sense of self importance. Confidence._

  
_Eliza was just... there. There was nothing to pity about her plainness. That's the way she preferred it. She didn't mind living in the shadow of her sisters. In fact, she relished in it. At least she couldn't get sunburn there. Their father tried to encourage his middle child to play a bigger social role. 'You can't spend you life in the background forever' he would say. Maybe that was true. But that wouldn't stop her from trying. He just didn't get it. Watchful eyes made her nervous. Conversation made her fidgety. Just the thought of speaking to strangers made her stomach turn.  There was nothing wrong with being an introvert at heart. It was more comfortable for her to live life on the sidelines. It's impossible to get hurt in the game from the bench. She didn't have to worry about girl friends turning on her. Or about men using or hurting her. It was safer to set up for Angelica's jokes than it was to deliver the punchlines. Easier to help Peggy into the thousand dollar heels than to try them on herself and risk twisting her ankle._  
  
_Elizabeth Schuyler was blissfully invisible._

  
_Alexander Hamilton had bionic vision._

  
_She was sitting alone at the bar during one of her father's social events when she met him. The drink in her hand had to be her second or third. There was no way it was her forth. Peggy was in the center of the room showcasing her new David Yurman pendant and Saint Laurent heels. Angelica snuck off earlier that night with the plan to infiltrate the hotel's swimming pool with a small group of people. Both women leaving Eliza to fend for herself. Alexander had stepped right up to her. No small talk, no preamble, and asked for her name. It took a few silent sips of her drink before she realized-holy shit-he was talking to her!_

  
_The usual nervousness bubbled in the pit of her stomach. She sat the drink on the bar, steeling herself against the inevitable conversation as she turned to face the unwanted party. When she did she realized how maybe 'unwanted' was a terribly presumptuous thing to label this man. This incredibly handsome man. Who came all the way to the back of the room to interrupt her solitude. The least she could do was share her name._

  
_"I'm Elizabeth Schuyler." Her shaky words made it seem like a question._

  
_The man's brows darted to his hairline. Impressed? But then he sighed. Disappointed? "Of course you are." He motioned the bartender forward. Only sparing her a quick side eye and a "Sorry to bother you, ma'am."_

  
_"It's no bother." Eliza was quick to assure him. Her brain cloudy with alcohol and interest. Mostly the former. Just this once she didn't want the attention to go away. "What's your name?"_

  
_"Alexander Hamilton." He peeked at her again. This time he must have seen something on her face. Openness? Desperation? Because he turned to face her. Leaning his back on his stool instead of sitting down._

  
_Alexander. Alex. It fit him. "It's a pleasure to meet you."_

  
_He was handed his drink before she had the chance to hold out her hand. "You don't have to lie." He tilted the glass to his lips. Barely tasting it. "No one is ever pleased to meet me at these things."_

  
_Her head shook in confused disbelief. Who wouldn't be happy to meet Alexander Hamilton? "It's not a lie."_

  
_"How do I know you're not just being nice?" He grinned around the glass._

  
_Eliza shrugged. Pleased with herself for being able to hold Alex's attention. "Because I'm not nice. If I'm being honest, I usually run from these type of conversations."_

  
_Alex leaned closer to her. Eliza found herself mimicking his action without realizing it. Those wide, brown eyes were drawing her in. It felt like she was being hypnotized. "Well can I be honest with you as well?"_

  
_"Of course." She was quite literally on the edge of her seat_

  
_"You're the most beautiful woman in this room."_

  
_"That's only because you haven't seen my sisters yet." She said before she could stop herself._

  
_Alex choked out a surprised laugh."That wasn't the response I was expecting."_

  
_He pulled a few inches away from her. Elizabeth didn't realize she was still following his lead until she felt her body tipping forward off the bar stool. Pitching herself onto Alexander in the most unattractive fashion. The man grabbed her arms to steady her. His laugh deepened. The smooth sound seeped into Eliza's veins like a drug. Everything about this man was intriguing . His eyes. His smile. His laugh. The steady touch of his hands on her arms. Elizabeth never reacted to another person like this before. It was scary. It didn't make sense. But she couldn't help it. She couldn't stop herself from falling- figuratively and literally it seemed-for this stranger. It could be the martinis talking but this man was meant to be hers. She could **feel** it._

  
_"I love you." She was supposed to think the words, she was sure she thought the words, until Alexander flinched. Shit. Shit. Shit. Eliza's brain short circuited from the embarrassment. She wanted to die. She wanted the floor to open up and swallow her into hell. This was the reason she didn't like attention. The reason she stayed to the side while her sister's basked in the spotlight. Her mind didn't respond well to people. Interactions. Attractions. Emotions. Now she'd scared away the first man her anxiety allowed her to speak to in months. Tears weld up in her eyes at the realization of how badly she'd fucked it all up. How fast. "I'm sorry."_

  
_"It's okay." Alex smiled. There was a bit of discomfort in it which was understandable. But at least he wasn't running away. At least he was still holding her. "It's not your fault i'm so irresistible."_

  
_Eliza giggled despite wanting to burst into tears. "I-"_

  
_"How about," He interrupted her, finally letting go of her arms. "We exchange numbers before you propose to me."_

  
_There was no spite behind the playful jab. He wasn't making fun of her. Just trying to make light of the situation._

  
_"Yeah, okay." Eliza happily agreed. And then, "But make it quick. This ring is burning a hole it the pocket of my dress." She wasn't the best at jokes. She hoped it was okay._

  
_Alexander laughed and all her worry evaporated. "Your dress has pockets?"_

  
_"Yeah." Her cheeks flushed pink as she stood up. Minimizing the space between them. She twisted to show the two small compartments on each side of her dress._

  
_"I love when dresses have pockets." Alex boldly reached out to slip his hands into them. Pulling Eliza closer to him._

  
_And maybe she didn't mind the spotlight so much._

  
_Not when Alexander was shining it._

 

  
Eliza doesn't want to be here. There's nothing worse than sitting in a public restaurant while you're  attempting to blink back tears every thirty seconds. The time on her phone is deliberately slowing it's pace with the sole purpose of torturing her. She's hyper aware that her already shaky breathes are coming in short, uneven patterns. Her entire body aches with the need to ball up on her side and scream or cry until she wakes up from what has to be a nightmare. 

  
There's no way this is real. Her boyfriend can not be cheating on her with her older sister. Alexander would not do that. Angelica would not do that.

But they did.

The man she loves and the woman she admires are individually breaking different parts of her heart. Thirty minutes wasn't a long enough time span for her to process what they'd done. It still doesn't feel real. Like the universe ceases to exist past the moment she heard Alex's smooth voice answering her sister's phone so casually. Like he had every right to do so. And maybe he did. Who knew how long he'd been allowed to do it?

  
Her mind races back to the day she introduced them. In hindsight there was an air of unspoken attraction between them. Their hug was too warm. Smiles much too bright. Eye contact lingering too long for two strangers. They wanted each other from the moment they met. And Eliza, the fool that she was, remained oblivious through the entire thing. Though it was short, it was also telling. She should have been put off when he ran past her to follow Angelica after the lunch's interruption. Why would he leave the restaurant with her sister who he met minutes ago instead of his girlfriend? Obviously he wanted to be alone with her. It was all so bloody obvious.

  
Then again she could be looking too deeply into this. Recounting the events of that day based on emotion rather than actual memory. Not that it mattered if they decided to start seeing each other the day she introduced them. All that mattered was that they started. Period! And now they were forcing her to sit and wait for them in this eating establishment while they were probably cuddled up on Angelica's couch. Naked. Laughing at how stupid she was to not discover them sooner. Wasting the minutes as lovers before they were set to walk in and break the news of their affair to her like she was some child. 

How dare Alexander suggest she deal with something like this in public? Eliza knows it's his pathetic attempt at keeping her cordial. As if she wasn't always calm in stressful situations. It was patronizing to assume the only way she could keep her cool is if there were witnesses. Elizabeth was done being patronized and she was done being calm. She'd been wronged and she was allowed to act like it. Alexander assumed she'd make a scene? She'd give him the scene of his fucking life.

"Hello." Her seething inner monologue is interrupted by the animatedly, chipper voice of the woman standing over them. "My name is Amber and I'm going to be your server. Can I start you with some drinks?"

"No." Eliza knows there is no point in feigning friendliness when her mood is so sour.

"We're waiting for our friends." Thomas explains on her behalf. The woman, Amber, gives a stiff nod and scatters away from the table. Eliza can feel Thomas staring at the side of her head. "Who pissed in your cereal this morning?"

  
Thomas Jefferson is clearly not in the business of sympathy. 

"I just found out my sister is fucking my boyfriend." She snapps, surprising herself with the blatant response. To say the vigor in her voice was harsh would be an understatement. But she needs to hold on to that anger. Because the moment it slips, the moment she allows herself to feel anything but the intense vexation, she is going to burst into ugly sobs. And there is no way in hell she's going to cry in this establishment. Especially not limited to the comfort, or lack there of, of Thomas Jefferson. 

Eliza feels the air shift around her when Angelica and Alexander invad the dining area. They whisper as they walk. Alexander craning his neck to catch the soft words being uttered from her sister's lips. It's unnerving the way they move in synchronization. Side by side. There is barely a breath of space between them. Their proximity tells her all she needs to know. How had she missed it? There is no need for a sit down explaining what their body language is screaming. Yet she remains glued in her seat. Tapping at the floor boards with an inconsistent twitch of her foot. 

Angleica spots them first. While her dark eyes scan the restaurant tables for a familiar face, Alexander's watch her. It's impossible for Eliza to decipher the emotion behind his expression. It's hard, _protective_ almost. Like he's preparing to guard her from something dangerous. But it's also soft, caring, dare she use the word _loving_? No. That's taking it too far for her sanity to handle. 

The minute her sister's eyes land on their booth, her gaze drops to the floor. Alexander's eyes dart to her lips as they move. She's whispering again. Telling him that she's found where Elizabeth and Thomas are sitting no doubt.

When Alexander's eyes snap to where she is, he doesn't retreat the way Angelica did. He holds her gaze in a way that's almost a challenge. If only he knew the real challenge for Eliza is not getting up and slapping the skin of his face scarlet.

She should have known not to expect an apology in the form of submission from a man like Alexander Hamlilton. 

The closer they get to the the table, the louder the blood rushing through Eliza's ears become. She doesn't know whether to be worried or grateful at the boost of adrenaline her body is providing. Angelica slides into the booth first. Seating herself across from her best friend. Further from her sister. There's no effort on her part to pull her stare away from her hands that are now folded on the table. Eliza lets her own gaze travel to her sister's fingers. Catching sight of the perfectly polished tips. The manicure they'd gotten together.

Alexander doesn't rush to his seat with the same self-reproach. Instead he, the arrogant bastard, has the gull to approach her with open arms. Inviting her into a hug as if all is right between them. Adrenaline gives way to panic as he closes in. Panic gives way to a ferocity she didn't know lived in her until that moment.

"Don't." She hisses just when his skin is a second away from hers. It is a plea. A warning.

Alexander concedes. A tinge of pink briefly stains his cheeks before he lowers himself to Angelica's side. The seating was a conscious choice Eliza made when she walked in. There is no way in hell she was going to sit beside Alexander. There is no way she could grace her sister's side either. If the two of them wanted to confess their sins then they could do it as they'd been doing it behind her back. Together.

Before any words of explanation has the chance to be spoken, the overzealous waitress makes her second appearance. Her pad and pen already prepared in her hands. Wearing a more confident smile now that the other breakfast companions Thomas told her about where here.

"Hello. My name is Amber and I'll be your server today. Can I start any of you with some drinks?"

"No." Eliza gives her the same dismissive answer from before.

The muscles in her face work overtime to keep the plastic smile in place. "Then are you aware of what you'd like to order?"

"No-"

"We've only just sat down." Alexander tilts his head up to relinquish the full force of his face on her. The woman blinks. Her already wide eyes round with shock before darkening with something else. "Could you give us a few more minutes, Amber?" And then Alex does that thing. The thing were one side of his mouth lifts higher than the other, at the same time his chocolate eyes flash with an unspoken promise. It was a look that would make anyone feel like the only person in the universe. A look that Eliza thought was reserved for only her. 

Until she remembered the times that it wasn't.

 

_"Does my hair look okay?"_

_As shallow as it might sound, wearing her hair in curls made Elizabeth apprehensive. Her dark strands were usually sported in their naturally straight manner. It's the st_ _yle she's worn them in since she was a child. It was what she was used to. But tonight Peggy convinced her that her evening gown would only look stunning with spirals. So she allowed the younger woman to sit her in a chair to twist and wind her mane._

_At first glance she loved it. It made her feel fun and flirty. She spent at least five minutes in the mirror bobbing her head to watch the curls bounce around. Now, the more she thought about it, the more she felt she looked like a mop. Her eyes flickered to her hair in every reflective surface they passed. It didn't look right. It wasn't her._

_"For the hundredth time, you look fucking ravishing." Alex tightened his arm around her waist. Drawing her closer to his side so he could bury his nose into the dark spirals framing her face._

_Eliza let herself be comforted momentarily. "You don't think it makes me look untamed?"_

_"Do you understand how sexy the idea of you being 'untamed' is?" He whispered so close to her ear that his lips brushed against it. "You would be the most beautiful woman in the room if you walked in with a shaved head and a curtain for a dress. Stop worrying."_

_And so she did. Because if Alexander thought she was the most beautiful woman in the room, then she was. Her chin was held a fraction higher when they walked into the room of his coworkers and their plus ones. Everything was okay again. Alexander showed her off to his colleagues with a pride that made her feel like she belonged on the cover of Vogue. In the rare moments when she'd catch a glimpse of herself and start to feel self conscious, Alexander would do something sweet. Like lean down to kiss her temple, twist his finger into one of her curls, or even smile at her. Not just any smile. **That** smile. The one that convinced her she was the most precious thing in his life._

_That was until she was introduced to a mister John Laurens. Alexander's partner in the case he was working and his best friend for the past two years. The freckled face man approached them with the same polite air that the others did. There was nothing superior or special about the introduction on his part. No, Alexander Hamilton's reaction to him is what made all the difference. He smiled when the man walked up. Not just any smile. He smiled **that**_ _smile. The one Eliza had deemed her own._

_When his lips curved in that special way. And his eyes gleamed as if they'd just spotted gold, Eliza was no longer the most beautiful person in the room. She retreated back into the shadows she'd been living in her entire life._

 

"I-um yes. Of course." Amber's shaky hand reaches up to tuck non-existent stray hairs behind her ear. Her mouth moveing in an attempt to form an actual sentence. All she managed to surface was, "Just- yeah okay." Eliza almost felt bad for the girl. Alexander Hamilton should come with a warning. "I'll just be right over there waiting."

"Thank you, Amber." Alex licks his lips and the waitress's face twist into the visual representation of a whimper. 

It wasn't until that moment that Eliza realized Alexander's infamous smile wasn't as special as she manipulated herself into thinking. It wasn't only for her, that much was clear. But John and Amber weren't isolated incidents. Now that she was able to reminisce with a mind that wasn't clouded with her utter adoration, an ugly truth made itself visible. One that had been hiding in the back of her mind behind lock and key. 

Alexander Hamilton is a charmer.

Not just a charmer. The ultimate charmer.

He has the looks, the voice, the personality to knock anything with two legs off it's feet. He knew it and he had long ago perfected the skill of using it to his advantage. it was a blessing to him. A curse to the poor soul who found themselves victim to his powerful allure. Eliza had witnessed the spell on too many occasions to count. She was struck with the memory of the far away look in Peggy's eyes when she was introduced to her big sister's boyfriend for the first time. So similar to John Laurens. So similar to Amber. So similar to Eliza herself. 

But.

Nothing like Angelica.

Her older sister exhibited none of  the symptoms Alex's other victims did. There was no glossed over expression on her face. No longing looks. She was free of any stammered speech or nervous giggles. If anything, Angelica was entirely too impassive during their first meeting. Not standoffish but not all welcoming. Just on the wrong side of polite.

It was her Alexander who appeared to be enamored that day. Elizabeth could remember distinct moments when he was so lost in her sister's presence that he completely zoned out of the conversation. His eyes never left Angelica. He jumped to her sister's defense when a disagreement arose. The man literally chased her when she ran from the table.

How could she not see this?

She had always known her sister was a magnet. The same way she knew Alexander was a charmer. Eliza just didn't think of what would happen when those two dynamic spirits were forced into the same environment. 

This was her fault. She was so naive. Of course Angleica and Alexander would be drawn to each other. Of course she was no match for her older sister's aura. It's been that way her entire life. Why did she think now would be different? She knew the answer before the question was complete.

Because Alexander saw her when she was invisible.

Elizabeth just forgot to take into account that he hadn't seen her sister's yet. But now she did. Now she knew. A hard lesson but a lesson well learned. Gone was the guileless girl who fell for Alexander at first sight. In her place stood a heartbroken woman who was too scorned to fall for any more of Hamilton's deceptions.

On cue, he opens his mouth. Eliza doesn't need to hear the words to know it will be bullshit. Knowing Alexander, he already has a ten minute speech planned to explain his deplorable actions. One that would hit the fine points of being sorry and how much he loved her. One that might actually work in his favor if he said the right things. And he always said the right thing. Too bad Eliza wasn't going to give him the chance.

"Don't." Her palm raises and his lips press shut. 

"Eliza." Of course the man can't stay quiet for more than a moment. As quickly as his lips seal, they reopen. Her swift cut off must have made him realize he wouldn't get his point across with just his pretty words this time. So he goes for something worse. So much worse. Physical contact. 

Elizabeth's eyes flash with the reignited panic as the space between them lessens with his slow, methodical movement. It was as if it was happening in slow motion. There was heat radiating off of his offending skin. A body temperature that once warmed her was now threatening to scorch her like the flames of hell. She can't let herself become burned by him again. In a fashion much more dramatic than she was known to be, her hand snatches back to rest on her thigh under the table where it's safe. 

The sudden action causes three pairs of eyes to turn on her in demand of an explanation.

"Don't touch me." Her words come out so soft that her own ears strain to hear hear. Shame tinges her cheeks pink. "I can't think when you touch me."

Angelica's eyes dart back to the safety of her nails. Thomas throws a look over his shoulder. Doing his best to distance himself from the awkwardness of the conversation. Alexander's face twist into a mask of frustration. The familiar spark of a potential argument shinning in his eyes. Those eyes.

"I can't talk. I can't touch you. How am I supposed to explain?"

Elizabeth laughs. Half disbelief. Half to keep from crying. "You think there's anything you can say to make the fact that you've been fucking my sister better?"

"What?" Alexander nearly yells at the same time Angelica chokes out,

"Excuse me?" Her frantic eyes dart to her best friend across the table.

Thomas only shrugs. "Can you blame her for thinking it?"

Their mutual surprise is genuine enough to pump Elizabeth's veins with doubt. If that wasn't it ... then.. what? The only thing that could make her feel worse than thinking her sister slept with her boyfriend was wrongly accusing her sister of it. The look, the utter betrayal in Angelica's eyes slow her heart. Set her back. The guilt is so much worse than the anger.

"I-I would never do something like that to you 'Liza." Said past a broken voice and watering eyes. As if the first dose of guilt wasn't enough.

"What  _did_ you do then?"

Angelica's hands are given her full attention once again. And for the first time since he sat down, Alexander can't bring himself to look at Elizabeth. His eyes, those eyes, slid to the table. The silence that follows her question screams through her ears. What ever was going on had to be more terrible than she imagined to render Alexander Hamilton speechless. 

Apparently not only was Thomas Jefferson _not_ in the business of sympathy, He also wasn't the most patient man. "Oh would one of you spit it out already?"

Alexander clears his throat indignantly. Clearly he doesn't like being called out by Thomas. His thin shoulders stiffen as he prepars himself for what he is about to say. This time when his eyes search Eliza's, there's something swimming on the surface. Resignation. It's like he finally realizes there is no way around what he's hiding anymore. 

"Philip is my son." No preamble. No stalling. Straight to the point. Eliza could use the band-aid analogy but it would be a gross understatement. No, this news is more like a bullet. Quick. Shocking. Painful. 

Elizabeth hears his words loud and clear yet she still finds herself muttering a confused, "What?"

"Philip is my son." Said with more conviction this time.

"I don't understand." The truth was worse than any of the scenarios her mind supplied. 

"I'm not sleeping with Angelica. I already did that three years ago. That's how Philip happened."

"Until that lunch, I hadn't seen him since I found out I was pregnant." Angelica finally speaks up. "All those times you would talk about Alex, I didn't know it was my- I didn't know it was Alexander Hamilton. I was  _mortified_ when I found out-"

"I would never cheat on you, Betsy." Alex moves to touch her across the table again but thinks better of it and folds his hands. 

"You think this is any better?"

"I-yes?"

He phrases his response as a question so Eliza answers it. "No."

Alex blinks back in shock. "Why not?"

"You're the guy?" A different anger began forming inside of her. One much closer to hate than hurt. "The fucking asshole in France who impregnated by sister and left her to fend for herself."

His wide eyes turn to said sister. Angelica spares his face but a moment before focusing on her sister's.

"That's  _not quite_ how it happened, Eliza."

Maybe Angelica was more smitten than she let on. "Don't you defend him!"

"Alexander did not-"

"You're no better." Her older sister swallowd the rest of her words. Eliza can see her throat try to work around them. It's clear she wants to question her wording but can't bring herself to disagree. So she elaborates. "You should have told me the moment you saw him. You should have said  _something._ " 

Her head bows. "I-"

"I introduced him to Philip as my boyfriend. Now you're telling him that he's his father? You don't think he's confused?"

"He's not old enough to understand."

"And when he is?"

Silence. A bitter victory of words on her part. 

"I told you." She almost forgot Thomas was sitting beside her until his snarky, unhelpful comment.

Her head snaps to the right. "What do you mean you told her? Did you know?"

He has the nerve to look sheepish. "I kind of figured it out."

"God, I'm so stupid!' Elizabeth slaps her hand over her face and leaves it there. She's becoming dizzy with her mind's attempt to make sense of the situation. Alexander and Angelica were not sleeping together behind her back. Instead they were having what was probably intimate family moments with their child.  _Their child._ Philip was Alexander's son. Her nephew belonged to her boyfriend. Alexander and Angelica used to date. Alexander was the asshole from France. The steady throbbing of over thinking becomes an insistent pounding in her temple. "Of course you're him."

 

_"Angelica?" Eliza could feel worry bubbling in her gut as she let herself into her sister's apartment._

_She didn't make a habit of using the emergency key her sister supplied her with when she moved in. But after four unanswered text messages and seven of her calls ringing out, she was allowed to label this an emergency situation. Especially considering the fact that she was seven months pregnant. Despite being the younger of the two, Elizabeth felt like Angelica's well being rested upon her shoulders. Making sure she was eating, taking her vitamins, and not over working herself had become a second job to her._

_The apartment was blacked out. Not a single light was on in any of the rooms. And it was quiet. Eerily so. She was about to turn on her heels and look for her sister over at Peggy's house when she heard it. The distinct sound of someone sniffling. She held her breath and waited in complete silence to assure that she was not imagining the noise. Just a few seconds later it was repeated._

_Eliza followed the sound into her sister's bed room. Flipping on the light switch to illuminate the space. What her eyes were faced with was the sight of her sister balled into a fetal position on top of her bed. She hadn't bothered burrowing herself under the blanket. The red splotches decorating the whites of her eyes, gave away the hours she must have spent in this state of distress. There was no physical reaction to the sudden brightness in the room or the added presence. If Angelica wasn't in direct line of the door, Eliza would have been sure she didn't notice her come in._

_But she was. And she did._

_"Are you okay?" It was a stupid question but it was the only one she had ready. When the mess on the bed didn't respond she decided to try another angle. "Is the baby okay?"_

_She must have sensed the concern leaking from her pores because she took pity on her and responded. "He's fine."_

_Eliza could breathe again. She approached the bed with excessive diligence. Noticing the tell-tell signs of her sister's prolonged breakdown as she got closer. Like her hair being matted to one side. The slight shaking of her thin shoulders. The darkened wet spot on the blanket under her head. She bit down on her lip to prevent herself from fall headfirst into the same mood. Falling apart in front of Angelica in this state would do nothing but harm._

_"Can you tell me what's wrong, sweetheart?"_

_"I don't want him."_

_"You don't want who?"_

_The vicious blood color of her eyes became hidden under the lids. "Philip."_

_Her breath hitched audibly. Despite the hurt she felt at the cold words, she forced herself to remain understanding. "I think it's a little too late for that now."_

_"I can put him up for adoption."_

_Thinking of her nephew, the boy she'd been excitedly waiting to meet for over half of a year now, being placed in another family's care sparked something on the inside of her. "Why are you saying this?"_

_"He's going to look like him, 'Liza."_

_"Who?"_

_"Al- The asshole from France." She clarified, squeezing her eyes shut harder, tightening her arm around her middle. "He's going to look just like his father and I can't take that. I already see his face every time I close my eyes. I don't want to see it when I open them too."_

_The bed shifted under her added weight. "You can't do that, Angie. You can't blame this boy for his father's mistakes. Even if he looks just like him, he won't be him. He won't be that asshole. He's going to be your son. **Your** son. And he's going to love you so hard that you won't even remember the man who didn't."_

_"I loved him, Eliza." Sniffles advanced into full blown sobs. "I swear to God I did."_

_"I know, baby." It felt patronizing to rub up the line of her spine but she didn't know how else to soothe her. "I know."_

 

Eliza's eyes land on her sister. "And of course you're her."

Angelica's flicker to hers for a fraction of a second before retreating. "What do you mean  _her_?"

 

_Post coital Alexander was Eliza's favorite Alexander. It was one of the only times he wasn't going a mile a minute. When they laid in bed after a round (or rounds) of lovemaking he appeared to be sated. He looked so much younger when he wasn't scowling. Laid out in a bed of sweat and tousled sheets made him open up. It went beyond the realms of simple pillow talking. It was when they had their deepest conversations._

_"Tell me about your first love." Elizabeth tucked her chin on his shoulder. Her naked chest sprawled over his._

_He clicked his tongue in consideration. She almost regretted asking when the line appeared over his furrowed brow. Almost because while she wanted his face to remain in it's peaceful state, she also relished in hearing the sound of his voice._

_"I think," His fingers traced patterned on the skin of her back as he spoke, "That I've only had one love in my entire life."_

_She tried not to let the words get to her. She knew he didn't mean it in a negative way. They'd only known each other for a month. Of course he didn't love her yet. Just because it was love at first sight for her, doesn't mean it had to be the same way for him. She was willing to give him all the time in the world. Alexander Hamilton was worth every second of her life._

_"Tell me about her."_

_"I-It was a woman I met when I was interning at a law firm after college. We met in the most cliche way. At a bar. What made her stand out wasn't her looks. Although she was breath takingly beautiful. It was her wit. The first words she spoke to me was her complaining about me staring. And then **she** came on to _ **_me._ ** _I was so impressed with the initiative that I had no choice but to respond in the same way. She complimented me in a way I'd never experienced. Ang-"_

_"How long were you together?" She cut him off before he could continue to gush about the woman. Eliza wasn't a jealous person, but there was something waird about hearing your boyfriend compliment an ex after sex._

_"Just six months. But it felt like longer." His finger paused on her spine. "I mean that in a good way."_

_"Why did it end?"_

_"She..." Alex tilted his head to face the ceiling. A far off look in his beautiful, brown eyes. "She moved away."_

_"Do you miss her?"_

_"All the time." He blurted out before he thought better of it. He realized his mistake rather quickly. Alex slid his hand up her back until her reached the base of her neck. "But that was before I met you."_

_Though the words went straight to her heart she still had another question. One that was sure to hurt her feelings._

_"Do you love her?"_

_"I think I always will." His sigh was resigned. "God knows forgetting her would be so much easier on my heart."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"No, **I'm** sorry." Alexander's hands lowered to her waist. Holding her closer before flipping them over. Eliza giggled in shock. "Here I am in bed with the sweetest woman I've ever met and I'm venting about an ex girlfriend who cared about me so much, she left out the door and never looked back. I'm an idiot."_

_"You're not an idiot." She smiled. "You've just had your heart broken."_

_"I don't even believe in God but I still feel like I should thank him for you. I don't deserve you, Elizabeth Schuyler."_

_"Yet you'll always have me, Alexander Hamilton._

 

The epiphany hits Eliza like a freight train. Her body phycially jolts at the sudden truth. No matter how much they deny being together, no matter how much they resist against their past, they will always be _that_  person for each other. The one that got away. Alexander loves Angleica. Angleica loves Alexander. Emotional affairs are just as harmful as sexual affairs. Maybe, in a sense, even worse.

And Philip is in tthe mix of all this mess. Her poor, innocent nephew. What a fucked up bunch they are.

Why did this have to happen to her? Alex was the first good thing to come into her life. The only man she introduced her family too. Now she'll have to tell everyone it was over. Her mother. Her father. Peggy. She'll have to explain that the man she loves belongs to someone else. That he hasa child with a woman. And that the woman is her big sister. Proving once again she was meant to be no more than the set up for the punch line to Angelica's life.

Eliza's blinking speeds up. The fire that burns behind her eyes is a warning for her to get out now! Thomas, Angleica and Alexander are still watching her. Waiting for the continuation of the unfinished thoughts she spewed between memories. She meets each of their eyes individually. Wondering how she can communicate the realizations she made in the passing seconds. It hurts enough to think, there is no way she can say it aloud and keep her composure. 

When fight or flight kicks her instincts into action, Eliza has no choice but to get as far away as possible. Her hands presses on the table top for leverage to lift her from the booth. She spares a final glance at the table of betrayal and-

"Have you decided what drinks you would like to start with?"

Amber's third appearance is just as unwelcome as her first two. She stands to the edge of the table. Close to Elizabeth but her eyes are only for Alexander. 

"We don't want anything. Jesus fucking Christ, lady!" Her voice traveles through the otherwise whisper soft establishment.

Then, just to release some of the frustrated hurt in her system, Eliza passes the woman with a harsh connection of their shoulders. Her peripheral vision spots movement from the opposite side of the booth. 

Assuming Alexander is planning to chase after her, Eliza tosses a cold "Don't." Behind her. 

The bright, crowded streets of New York City is no place for the melodramatic episode the middle Schuyler sister is about to experience. Maybe it's just her anxiety or maybe everyone really is staring at her. Either way, she needs to be alone.

It takes her brain six steps to catch up with the direction of her feet. Apparently her body has decided to cut into the alleyway beside the restaurant. Yeah, that was both smart and safe. Not. But at least it's isolated.

Eliza all but slams her back against the brickwall. The gasp that follows feels like the first actual breath she's taken all day. She lets her eyes slip shut. Focusing only on the in and out of her breathing. The rise and fall of her chest. While the tightness in her heart doesn't ease, some of the tension in her upper body does. The breathing exercise is actually calming her. Until she hears the distinct sound of approaching footsteps. She doesn't have to guess who it could be. Who else would follow her to into an alleyway? 

"Eliza, are you okay? Are you having a panic attack?"

Shock is responsible for the way her head whips in the direction of the voice. Angelica is not who she was expecting. Who she was hoping-

"What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you." Her arms circle her waist. An attempt at self comfort. "I needed to- to apologize to you alone. Just us two. It's easier when it's just me and you." She's telling the truth if the now steady eye contact is anything to go by.

"Then why this stupid breakfast meeting?"

"It was Alexander's idea."

"And do you always go along with Alexander's idea?" Her tone leaves no question as to what she's reffering to.

Angelica catches on. Her expression going bleak yet the eye contact remains steady. Eliza can't decide if it is better than Angelica avoiding looking at her. "I didn't even want Alexander to know about Philip. But he took one look at him and figured it out. Alexander was enchanted. And Philip fell in love with him so quickly. I couldn't... break that up. I just couldn't. Seeing them together, Liza, it's- I can't describe it. But that's it. It's just about Philip! There's nothing between Alexander and I. There hasn't been in three years." If only she can hear the way her voice wraps around his name. "I understand if us being together makes you uncomfortable. We can work around that. Maybe you or Peggy can take Philip to see him. Will that make you feel better?"

Eliza doesn't answer. Not because she's trying to torture her sister, she just doesn't  know what to say. The only thing that will make things better is if this entire thing is a dream. And she wakes up right now in bed next to a snoring Alexander, because he is _never_ up this early on the weekend.

"Please, I will never talk to him again. Just talk to me."

When Angelica's voice cracks, so does Eliza. The best way to describe it is to compare her to a glass vase. One that has just been tipped over the edge of a low table. The impact when she finally hits the ground is bad. But time freezes right as she shatters. So she is broken into a million little pieces but the shards are still one. She is on pause. A second away from falling apart. Losing Angelica will be like smashing the play button. Inevitable self destruction. 

"You've always been my favorite sister. My best friend." Her hands move from holding her sides to clutching her chest. It was so dramatic. So Angelica. "Don't break away from me." 

And she doesn't. Because she can't. She can't hold back from her big sister anymore. She has never managed to stay on bad terms with Angelica. She knows there is no way she can stay frozen in united pieces forever. Life will go on. The play button will be hit. And she will shatter. But she doesn't have to stay that way. Angelica is like her crazy glue. Her sister can gather all the glass and make her one again. 

Eliza finally pushes off of the wall. Taking an unsteady step in Angelica's direction. She can feel herself coming to an end. Feel the shards breaking away. Maybe if she gets to Angelica fast enough, she can stop her from becoming fractured at all. She can hold her together. Squeeze her tight enough to mold her back into one perfectly put together vase. 

"Hold on to me." Eliza pleads. "Before I break into a million pieces." 

She must sound insane. It barely makes sense in her head. Surely it must sound like utter nonsense coming out of her mouth. But Angelica doesn't hesitate to do as her sister begged. She is eloped in the safety of Angelica's hold. Some how she know just how tightly she needs to be held. 

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING! I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT  
> I started writing this after I listened to "First Burn" AND HOLY SHIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW GOOD THAT WAS?! MY heart stopped at the first "Don't". My favorite parts are "You can stand over there if you want. I don't know who you are. I have so much to learn." and OBVIOUSLY "I know about whispers. I see how you look at my sister." What did you guys think of it????????
> 
> Kudos are kisses. Also feel free to scream at me in the comments.


End file.
